I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.

Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny.

The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire Saturday night.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

Laughter is the greatest music in the world and audiences come to my shows to escape the cares of life. They don't want to be embarrassed or insulted. They want to laugh and so do I - which is probably why it works.

Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them.