Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.

Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them.

Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.'

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.

I had an idyllic childhood and when my parents bought me a Punch and Judy Show and a ventriloquist's dummy, I'd perform anywhere, anytime. My parents were wonderful when I told them I wanted to be an entertainer.

If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.