I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.

I had an idyllic childhood and when my parents bought me a Punch and Judy Show and a ventriloquist's dummy, I'd perform anywhere, anytime. My parents were wonderful when I told them I wanted to be an entertainer.

Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny.

Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them.

Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!

Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.

I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.