Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them.

Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.

If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.

Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.

My teeth are all my own. I've just finished paying for them.

Laughter is the greatest music in the world and audiences come to my shows to escape the cares of life. They don't want to be embarrassed or insulted. They want to laugh and so do I - which is probably why it works.

The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire Saturday night.