Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them.
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.
Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.
My teeth are all my own. I've just finished paying for them.
The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire Saturday night.
Laughter is the greatest music in the world and audiences come to my shows to escape the cares of life. They don't want to be embarrassed or insulted. They want to laugh and so do I - which is probably why it works.