I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.
The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire Saturday night.
Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them.
My teeth are all my own. I've just finished paying for them.
Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.
Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!