Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

I had an idyllic childhood and when my parents bought me a Punch and Judy Show and a ventriloquist's dummy, I'd perform anywhere, anytime. My parents were wonderful when I told them I wanted to be an entertainer.

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.

I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.'

Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!