The fellow that calls you 'brother' usually wants something that doesn't belong to him.

University: ... a place where rich men send their sons who have no aptitude for business.

My idea of walking into the jaws of death is marrying some woman who has lost three husbands.

Experience is a dear teacher but he delivers th' goods.

A friend that ain't in need is a friend indeed.

I'm sorry to inform you that your 50 year warranty has expired on your back, knees, and memory. Luckily your lifetime warranty on your heart is still in effect. Of course, that becomes void and expires when you do.

Universal peace sounds ridiculous to the head of an average family.