We're first on executions. We're 49th in funding public education. We're in a race with Mississippi for the bottom, and we're winning.

I'm too young for Medicare and too old for women to care.

What has six balls and screws Texans? The Texas Lottery.

If you're patient and you wait long enough, something will usually happen and it'll usually be something you don't like.

I'm also for gay marriage, because I say they have every right to be just as miserable as the rest of us. Love is bigger than government. And Texas, by the way, has a very progressive law about gay couples adopting kids. We just won't let them get married. So that's not common sense.

It wasn't a healthy attitude, but it wasn't really a healthy world.

If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble later, once you've been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong.