I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn't hold 'em under long enough.

The Ten Commandments being taken out of the public schools. I want them back.

Well, I just said that Jesus and I were both Jewish and that neither of us ever had a job, we never had a home, we never married and we traveled around the countryside irritating people.

Whether your destination is heaven or hell, you always have to change planes in Dallas.

You have to pretend that your life is a financial pleasure even when your autographs are bouncing.

Man's ability to delude himself is infinite.

In six days the Lord created the heavens and the earth and all the wonders therein. There are some of us who feel that He might have taken just a little more time.