The only thing that really differentiates Texas from any other place in the world is the proclivity of its people to urinate outdoors and to attach a certain amount of importance to this popular pastime.

What has six balls and screws Texans? The Texas Lottery.

Like most of us, I determined that I'd rather be a large part of the problem than a small part of the solution.

There is a difference between who is important and who is significant.

Jerry Jones and Chris Christie are probably the most important latent homosexual relationship since Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson.

There's a fine line between fiction and non-fiction and I think I snorted it somewhere in 1979

This is called "spiritual lifting." It's not heavy lifting. The governor of Texas should not be confused with Arnold Schwarzenegger. That's a powerful position. The governor of Texas can't do any heavy lifting really. It's not that powerful a position.