I don't feel bad about losing.

If Raymond Chandler came from the South, his name would be Ace Atkins.

Students don't know who Mark Twain was because he wasn't on the test.

If Jesus Christ had run as an independent, Rick Perry would have beat him.

We're first on executions. We're 49th in funding public education. We're in a race with Mississippi for the bottom, and we're winning.

I've been in true love many times. I just try to avoid it as much as possible. For if there's one thing I know about true love, it is that sooner or later, it results in a hostage situation.

If you elect me the first Jewish justice of the peace, I'll reduce the speed limits to 54.95!