If you're paranoid long enough, sooner or later you're gonna be right.

May the God of your choice bless and keep you. I respect Him as long as He does not circumcise me anymore.

I don't feel bad about losing.

If you elect me the first Jewish justice of the peace, I'll reduce the speed limits to 54.95!

Seventeen publishers rejected the manuscript, at which time we knew we had something pretty hot.

We're first on executions. We're 49th in funding public education. We're in a race with Mississippi for the bottom, and we're winning.

Simón Bolívar is the only person in history to be exiled from a country named after him.