In case of a thunderstorm, stand in the middle of the fairway and hold up a one iron. Not even God can hit a one iron.

Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn't a lot of strokes when you consider the course.

Chipping and putting for par is like a dog chasing cars, he won't be doing it for very long.

I'm really going to do my homework. I'm going to be down there on the practice tee finding out if a guy's wife beat him up the night before, important stuff like that. Stuff that people want to know.

I got no pride on the hole. It's a par-5 and I play it that way. A four is a birdie.

My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch.

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.