Show me a golfer who doesn't have a mean streak, and I'll show you a weak competitor.

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.

My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That's what happens when you haven't been home in eighteen years.

Pressure is trying to make a putt for a $10 bet with only $5 in your pocket.

Only bad golfers are lucky. They're the ones bouncing balls off trees, curbs, turtles and cars. Good golfers have bad luck. When you hit the ball straight, a funny bounce is bound to be unlucky.

I'm going to win so much money this year, my caddie will make the top twenty money-winners list.

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.