I've been accused of bad taste, and I'll go down to my grave accused of it and always by the same people, the ones who eat in restaurants that reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.

All my humor is based upon destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I’d be standing on the breadline right in back of J. Edgar Hoover.

There is only what is and that's it. What should be is a dirty lie.

The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.

Sex and obscenity are not synonymous.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

TV is just advertising for your live gig, so I'm playing whichever show is gonna get me the biggest crowd.