I've been accused of bad taste, and I'll go down to my grave accused of it and always by the same people, the ones who eat in restaurants that reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.

TV is just advertising for your live gig, so I'm playing whichever show is gonna get me the biggest crowd.

The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.

Never tell. Not if you love your wife...In fact, if your old lady walks in on you deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay On Top Of Me Or I'll Die.' " I didn't know what I was goin' to do.

I'll die young, but it's like kissing God.

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.

Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.