Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.

My only challenge was to tell my truth, man... figure out what I had to say. These days, it's not enough to boost that roomful of strangers. The young comic spends all their time trying to sound different from the million other jokesters grabbing for the mic.

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

The crooks downtown figured out that comedy is like a hammer. It can put up a barn and it can knock down a wall. So they bought it outright and marketed it as Comedy Central.

There's a lot of money in wars, except in the war on poverty. Can't make any bread helping the poor.

The American Constitution was not written to protect criminals; it was written to protect the government from becoming criminals.

Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish.