Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.

I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all custody means. Get even with your old lady.

I was surprised when Nixon passed the test and showed up in heaven, but, I guess Hitler threw off the curve for our century.

Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish

I am influenced by every second of my waking hour.

Every group needs a comedian. A comic who is politically incorrect at the Berkeley campus might slay them at a Klan rally.