Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.

Wouldn't it be nice if all the people who are lonesome could live in one big dormitory, sleep in beds next to each other, talk, laugh, and keep the lights on as long as they want to?

There is only what is and that's it. What should be is a dirty lie.

Communism is like one big phone company.

There's always a down side with any freedom. It's not just homosexual freedom, but any sexual freedom comes at a price, and that is usually art.

My only challenge was to tell my truth, man... figure out what I had to say. These days, it's not enough to boost that roomful of strangers. The young comic spends all their time trying to sound different from the million other jokesters grabbing for the mic.

The American Constitution was not written to protect criminals; it was written to protect the government from becoming criminals.