Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.

You can't just run out and start the car until some cat invents a car.

Communism is like one big phone company.

You got to pay your dues to get the joke. Besides, laughter is cheap and very portable. If there's a pogrom, or they're blaming you for the plague, nothing is easier to pack than a sense of humor.

If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't taper off. You've got to quit, cold jerky!

I would become a priest or a rabbi or a monk or whatever the hell was necessary to perform miracles such as taking money from someone else's pocket and putting it into mine, still remaining within the confines of the law.

I've talked to biblical cats, and Neanderthals who been here since day one. No one here has even seen the Big Boss. Ever.