The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.

If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't taper off. You've got to quit, cold jerky!

I wanted out of the navy so bad in '45, I faked homo to get a discharge. It didn't matter that the Germans surrendered, I knew we were heading to Japan and I was done with that scene.

Trying to figure things out was my gig. Without the human condition, there's no struggle, no pain and that means no laughter.

Faith is to the human what sand is to the ostrich.

Darwin's theory is as dead as he is. Everyone is surviving, fit or not. Years ago, any kid dumb enough to chase a shiny object down a well was dead, and out of the gene pool. Now they got the technology and medicine to save the fool so he can breed more open mouth breathers.

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it.