TV is just advertising for your live gig, so I'm playing whichever show is gonna get me the biggest crowd.

The 'what should be' never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no 'what should be,' there is only what is.

My only challenge was to tell my truth, man... figure out what I had to say. These days, it's not enough to boost that roomful of strangers. The young comic spends all their time trying to sound different from the million other jokesters grabbing for the mic.

Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.

Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

To say whatever nonsense comes into your head without any repercussions has got to be a bigger high than heckling a movie screen in a darkened theater.