Once you take away the struggle for food, clothing and shelter, work is the one four letter word that offends everyone.

The crooks downtown figured out that comedy is like a hammer. It can put up a barn and it can knock down a wall. So they bought it outright and marketed it as Comedy Central.

I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all custody means. Get even with your old lady.

If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.

If you believe there is a God, a God that made your body, and yet you think that you can do anything with that body that's dirty, then the fault lies with the manufacturer.

You put a guy on a desert island, he'll do it to mud, a chicken, a barrel, anything, a knothole.

Trying to figure things out was my gig. Without the human condition, there's no struggle, no pain and that means no laughter.