I'm not a comedian. I'm Lenny Bruce.

You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth.

Part of the kick of making people laugh was doing something different. We were a rare breed - spotting one of us was like pinning a space alien, or abdominal snowman. There were maybe a hundred stand-ups in the whole country when I was doing it.

Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.

A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.

If there was absolute freedom, people would run over babies and charge admission.

That's where the conflict starts. We all want for a wife a combination Sunday school teacher and a $500-a-night hooker.