That's where the conflict starts. We all want for a wife a combination Sunday school teacher and a $500-a-night hooker.

To say whatever nonsense comes into your head without any repercussions has got to be a bigger high than heckling a movie screen in a darkened theater.

Once you sleep on feathers you can't go back to sleeping on the floor.

If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't taper off. You've got to quit, cold jerky!

...Catholicism is like Howard Johnson, and what they have are these franchises and they give all these people different franchises in the different countries but they have one government, and when you buy the Howard Johnson franchise you can apply it to the geography - whatever's cool for that area - and then you, you know, pay the bread to the main office.

Satire is tragedy plus time.

Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish.