You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth.

If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't taper off. You've got to quit, cold jerky!

If there was absolute freedom, people would run over babies and charge admission.

You got to pay your dues to get the joke. Besides, laughter is cheap and very portable. If there's a pogrom, or they're blaming you for the plague, nothing is easier to pack than a sense of humor.

There is only what is and that's it. What should be is a dirty lie.

Every tribe needs a good front man to sell the program. Who better to convince the Middle East to give up the oil, than a brown man with a Muslim name?

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.