If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't taper off. You've got to quit, cold jerky!

I think it's about time we gave up religion and got back to God.

Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.

I was surprised when Nixon passed the test and showed up in heaven, but, I guess Hitler threw off the curve for our century.

There's always a down side with any freedom. It's not just homosexual freedom, but any sexual freedom comes at a price, and that is usually art.

Communism is just one big telephone company.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.