If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't taper off. You've got to quit, cold jerky!

Communism is just one big telephone company.

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't.

I was surprised when Nixon passed the test and showed up in heaven, but, I guess Hitler threw off the curve for our century.

If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't taper off. You've got to quit, cold jerky!

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.