Communism is just one big telephone company.

Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.

You put a guy on a desert island, he'll do it to mud, a chicken, a barrel, anything, a knothole.

When earth gets good and crowded, like 15th century England, then some new Pilgrims are gonna rocket their Mayflowers to a new solar system.

I've been accused of bad taste, and I'll go down to my grave accused of it and always by the same people, the ones who eat in restaurants that reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.

Alright, let's admit it, we Jews killed Christ - but it was only for three days.

I'm not a comedian. I'm Lenny Bruce.