What you end up with is outrageousness without the laugh - comedy as electro shock therapy.

Never tell. Not if you love your wife...In fact, if your old lady walks in on you deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay On Top Of Me Or I'll Die.' " I didn't know what I was goin' to do.

I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all custody means. Get even with your old lady.

You got to pay your dues to get the joke. Besides, laughter is cheap and very portable. If there's a pogrom, or they're blaming you for the plague, nothing is easier to pack than a sense of humor.

The 'what should be' never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no 'what should be,' there is only what is.

Once you take away the struggle for food, clothing and shelter, work is the one four letter word that offends everyone.

Communism is like one big phone company.