All my humor is based upon destruction and despair.

I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write songs like, "What I'm going to do if I grow up".

Darwin's theory is as dead as he is. Everyone is surviving, fit or not. Years ago, any kid dumb enough to chase a shiny object down a well was dead, and out of the gene pool. Now they got the technology and medicine to save the fool so he can breed more open mouth breathers.

The reason I'm in this business, I assume all performers are -- it's Look at me, Ma! It's acceptance, you know -- Look at me, Ma, look at me, Ma, look at me, Ma. And if your mother watches, you'll show off till you're exhausted; but if your mother goes, Ptshew!

The 'what should be' never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no 'what should be,' there is only what is.

What is truth today may be a damn lie next week.

Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.