I wanted out of the navy so bad in '45, I faked homo to get a discharge. It didn't matter that the Germans surrendered, I knew we were heading to Japan and I was done with that scene.

There is only what is and that's it. What should be is a dirty lie.

I credit the motion picture industry as the strongest environmental factor in molding the children of my day.

The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.

Let me tell you the truth: The truth is what is. And what should be is a fantasy a terrible, terrible lie that someone gave the people long ago.

Every group needs a comedian. A comic who is politically incorrect at the Berkeley campus might slay them at a Klan rally.

I was surprised when Nixon passed the test and showed up in heaven, but, I guess Hitler threw off the curve for our century.