Never trust a preacher with more than two suits.

I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.

Part of the kick of making people laugh was doing something different. We were a rare breed - spotting one of us was like pinning a space alien, or abdominal snowman. There were maybe a hundred stand-ups in the whole country when I was doing it.

You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth.

I credit the motion picture industry as the strongest environmental factor in molding the children of my day.

The crooks downtown figured out that comedy is like a hammer. It can put up a barn and it can knock down a wall. So they bought it outright and marketed it as Comedy Central.

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish