All my humor is based upon destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I’d be standing on the breadline right in back of J. Edgar Hoover.

You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth.

TV is just advertising for your live gig, so I'm playing whichever show is gonna get me the biggest crowd.

I'll die young, but it's like kissing God.

My only challenge was to tell my truth, man... figure out what I had to say. These days, it's not enough to boost that roomful of strangers. The young comic spends all their time trying to sound different from the million other jokesters grabbing for the mic.

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

Anyone who has two shirts when someone has none is not a christian.