All my humor is based upon destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I’d be standing on the breadline right in back of J. Edgar Hoover.

That's where the conflict starts. We all want for a wife a combination Sunday school teacher and a $500-a-night hooker.

I tried the religion scam in Miami, so I know how hard that gig is. But, if you can get it to work, starting your own religion is a license to print money.

Anyone who has two shirts when someone has none is not a christian.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

My only challenge was to tell my truth, man... figure out what I had to say. These days, it's not enough to boost that roomful of strangers. The young comic spends all their time trying to sound different from the million other jokesters grabbing for the mic.

I am influenced by every second of my waking hour.