I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all custody means. Get even with your old lady.

There's a lot of money in wars, except in the war on poverty. Can't make any bread helping the poor.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

Trying to figure things out was my gig. Without the human condition, there's no struggle, no pain and that means no laughter.

If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't taper off. You've got to quit, cold jerky!

Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.

If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone.