The American Constitution was not written to protect criminals; it was written to protect the government from becoming criminals.

A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.

You got to pay your dues to get the joke. Besides, laughter is cheap and very portable. If there's a pogrom, or they're blaming you for the plague, nothing is easier to pack than a sense of humor.

Communism is just one big telephone company.

TV is just advertising for your live gig, so I'm playing whichever show is gonna get me the biggest crowd.

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.