Today's comedian has a cross to bear that he built himself. A comedian of the older generation did an act and he told the audience, This is my act. Today's comic is not doing an act. The audience assumes he's telling the truth. What is truth today may be a damn lie next week.

TV is just advertising for your live gig, so I'm playing whichever show is gonna get me the biggest crowd.

I've talked to biblical cats, and Neanderthals who been here since day one. No one here has even seen the Big Boss. Ever.

I won't say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write songs like, "What I'm going to do if I grow up".

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

Trying to figure things out was my gig. Without the human condition, there's no struggle, no pain and that means no laughter.

There are never enough I Love You's.