Doing nothing is very tough to do because you never know when you're finished. The upside is that from the moment you wake up in the morning, you're on the job.

It doesn't really matter where I go (Heaven or Hell). I'll have plenty of friends in both places.

One thing a person won't do when he's laughing is try to beat you up.

Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through.

The reason they call if 'golf' is that all the other 4 letter words were used up.

Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts.

The violence or the vaudeville style of comedy is a technique all by itself. You get up there, and you are a comedian, and you're doing one thing. That is, you're going to make the audience laugh.