Usually I'm too tired to apologize.

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

My problem has always been with authority, and I'm sure if anybody understands that, it's people in uniform.

The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.

I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it's a healthy outlet for them. If they weren't covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they'd be doing something that was really, really creepy.

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.'