I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess, ... back when I was traveling a lot on the road as a standup comic, between airport security and the weather... I just wanted to be prepared for sitting in the airport.

I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was a real person.

I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke.

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.

When you're done [with writing a book], people tell you "Well, gee, I'm not interested." "Great, I'm glad I sat down and wrote this!"

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.