I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess, ... back when I was traveling a lot on the road as a standup comic, between airport security and the weather... I just wanted to be prepared for sitting in the airport.

If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.

Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler.

I was a drinker, so I went through the scotches. Before single malts hit, there were really cheap scotches, because nobody was paying attention to them. Then by the time they started jacking those prices up, I moved on to vodka.

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!'

My hate of Apple has moved into a hate of Facebook.