I was broke until I was 40. Really broke. I could get by, but I had nothing. No health insurance, so if something happened I was screwed. I was lucky my parents had money and my brother was willing to support me for a long time. Once I started doing standup, I had an income, and that was amazing to me.

Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise.

Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!

This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole.

I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on.

Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar.

See... What I felt they should have done, for our first public works project, is build a giant wall... across the entire border of Canada. Because that's where the cold air comes from.