I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on.

Political audiences are not fun.

I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess, ... back when I was traveling a lot on the road as a standup comic, between airport security and the weather... I just wanted to be prepared for sitting in the airport.

Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.

We have a two-party system: The Democratic Party, which is a party of no ideas, and the Republican Party, which is a party of bad ideas.

I've been very lucky. There are guys I know who are really terrific in this business of stand-up who have not gotten the recognition they deserve. And it's nice, if you've put in the time, to achieve that recognition.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'