I don't understand how anybody's still a Democrat or a Republican. I don't know what they're basing it on.

You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo.

The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine.

As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.

You are an adult, and you can dress up whenever you want to. You don't need permission anymore! If you wake up next tuesday, and you feel like being Batman, go for it! And then you go to work, and your boss will look up and go "who are you," and you can say: "I am Batman. That's who I am, who are you?"

It's a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you're pursuing that, you're an idiot. You're a moron. The shortest distance between two points is not a celebrity, or being next to a celebrity.

Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we... are all like snowflakes.