This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole.

What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.

If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < .

Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable. How long does it take you people to shop? It's beyond belief. It's insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it.

You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!

I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.

I have this insane optimistic streak that the American people prevail over the stupidity that the leadership exhibits time and time again, and I think that's the truth.