Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise.

If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they're showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You're better off coming back as a lobster.

When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.'

In New York, f*** isn't even a word. It's a comma.

When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.

You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal.

I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever.