Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise.

The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling "The British are coming! The British are coming!"

Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know -- because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful.

When I'm funny is when I'm angriest.

In Vegas, you have an audience you can't find anywhere else. It's from all over the country. You play Seattle, everyone's from Seattle. But in Vegas, you have six from Seattle, a bunch from L.A., some local Las Vegans and maybe a farmer from Iowa. In Vegas, you learn the ins and outs of holding a room because of that great spectrum of folks.

When you're done [with writing a book], people tell you "Well, gee, I'm not interested." "Great, I'm glad I sat down and wrote this!"

You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal.