See... What I felt they should have done, for our first public works project, is build a giant wall... across the entire border of Canada. Because that's where the cold air comes from.

What makes it difficult for people trying to follow a dream is that the whole time you feel like you're slamming your head against the wall. So it's nice to make a breakthrough and not kind of lying there with your head bleeding.

What I've found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don't know how to socialize. I don't want to deal with that group.

I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke.

If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them.

I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.

Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler.