See... What I felt they should have done, for our first public works project, is build a giant wall... across the entire border of Canada. Because that's where the cold air comes from.

If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt you.

I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not.

Macs are not intuitive. It's intuitive to the person who created it. It's not intuitive to me.

Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.