Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!

I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that.

Johnny Vassilaros is the man who has created the finest cup of coffee ever served in the city of New York.

I think you have to [vote] and the reason you have to go vote is an important one, and that is because the day you vote is the day that you will feel the most ineffectual you will feel all year.

Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity. And I think that's the reason my act has become more political. I've become somewhat more of a political comic because the level of stupidity I've watched is staggering.

I can be drunk until 6 in the morning, and then I don't have to show up to work until 14 hours later.

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. So it's hard for me to come up with things, because I don't write stuff, I don't write my act down.