For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don't have a family of my own. Then it dawned on me: That's not what I think; that's what married people think.

If you listen to a song and get an image in your head, and then you go home and watch mtv and the image they're showing is the same as the one in your head, kill yourself. You're better off coming back as a lobster.

One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.

North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.

Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness.

One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich.

I never write anything down. I write onstage.