Earth Day was created because we were doing a lot of drugs, more drugs than you could ever f@*! imagine. And so we came up with Earth Day, so we'd have one day that would remind us what planet we were living on.

Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.

I do like Guinness, I have to say, because you feel like you're eating something.

Harry Reid is not funny; he's creepy. Nancy Pelosi is creepy. Charles Schumer is sneaky and creepy.

The thing is, whenever I see Hillary Clinton, I feel like I have to vote for her. She makes me feel guilty because I feel like I should vote for her so that she'll feel better about herself because she'd been in such a bad marriage.

I can be drunk until 6 in the morning, and then I don't have to show up to work until 14 hours later.

Some people have religion as a means of solace. But, I had a dreidel, so that was out.