Earth Day was created because we were doing a lot of drugs, more drugs than you could ever f@*! imagine. And so we came up with Earth Day, so we'd have one day that would remind us what planet we were living on.

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

Mother Teresa had a mustache. Hitler had a mustache. Mother Teresa is Hitler.

My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.

Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there's no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It's a Back-to-School holiday!

If there is hell, it was modeled after junior high school.