I've always been a social network retard, even before there was a social network. People would say, "You want to go to this party and do some networking?"

Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.

I've seen the end of the universe, and it happens to be in the United States and, oddly enough, it's in Houston, Texas. I know - I was shocked, too. Imagine my surprise when I left a comedy club one day and walked to the end of the block, and there on one corner was a Starbucks, and across the street from that Starbucks, in the exact same building as that Starbucks, there was - a Starbucks. I looked back and forth, thinking the sun was playing tricks with my eyes. That there was a Starbucks across from a Starbucks - and that, my friends, is the end of the universe.

You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.

I do like Guinness, I have to say, because you feel like you're eating something.

See... What I felt they should have done, for our first public works project, is build a giant wall... across the entire border of Canada. Because that's where the cold air comes from.

I'm a happy person but an angry citizen.