Democrats are dumb and Republicans are stupid, but the difference between dumb and stupid is dumb isn't funny. Dumb is when you say something and the whole room goes, 'What did he say?'

When you compare Christmas to Hanukkah, there's no comparison. Christmas is great. Hanukkah sucks! First night you get socks. Second night, an eraser, a notebook. It's a Back-to-School holiday!

I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say.

I do like Guinness, I have to say, because you feel like you're eating something.

He smiles so much, I don't think he has a central nervous system.

You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal.

There are two things I know about life... Only the good die young but the real jerks will live forever.