Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.

I do like Guinness, I have to say, because you feel like you're eating something.

This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole.

Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.

What I've found in my career is that 70 to 75 percent of comics are nice and have some sense of social skills, but there are those who end up in comedy because they don't know how to socialize. I don't want to deal with that group.

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

I had an iPhone and a Droid and both of them were miserable pieces of equipment.