Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.

Usually I'm too tired to apologize.

North Korea is the country that the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz came from.

It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!

For a while, I thought the great disappointment of my life was that I don't have a family of my own. Then it dawned on me: That's not what I think; that's what married people think.

Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?

One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.