Democrats are like a big tortoise that's on its back and can't get up; you can't make jokes about that.

I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke.

I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of panic.

We have a two-party system: The Democratic Party, which is a party of no ideas, and the Republican Party, which is a party of bad ideas.

You've got to be stupid to heckle me - I am very equipped to win.

It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was wrong now wasn't I? You see because I travel all the time. So last winter, I'd be in the midwest, and the blizzard would hit. And then I'd fly home, and the blizzard would hit again!

I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not.