I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck ,so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it.

Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!

On the plane was a Time magazine and there was a 30 page article on diabetes, and I read every page. By the time that plane landed, I had diabetes.

Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.

The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan.

Stupidity really gets me going, when it's just plain stupid, obvious stupidity. And I think that's the reason my act has become more political. I've become somewhat more of a political comic because the level of stupidity I've watched is staggering.

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.