Janeane Garofalo ended up, in a sense, being pushed by the media into becoming a pundit.

I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.

Americans continue to rapidly homogenize ourselves into a neutered oblivion. For a country founded on the protection of the unique, we relish our sameness.

Behind me, I heard a young woman of 25 say, "If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college." Now, I'm gonna repeat that, because it bears repeating. "If it weren't for my horse..." as in, giddyup, giddyup, let's go — "I wouldn't have spent that year in college," which is a degree-granting institution. Don't think about that too long, or BLOOD will shoot out your NOSE!

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

I think that I don't panic as much as the folks on the left or the right do. I don't have that sense of panic.