He smiles so much, I don't think he has a central nervous system.

Political audiences are not fun.

I don't know if watching Chaz Bono will turn your kids into transsexuals, but I'm pretty sure that letting them watch Keith Ablow will turn them into assholes

Stupid presidents, smart presidents, white presidents, black presidents - doesn't work! What this country needs is a crazy Third World dictator. And Donald Trump has what it takes to be that. He's already got a plane with his name on it, solid gold buildings, a harem...

The whole Valentine's thing is fine, but you don't back it up right next to the biggest gift-giving holiday of the year. Unbelievable. And we find it acceptable.

Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.

I hammer on a theme until I'm tired of it and the audience is tired of it.