Glenn Beck has Nazi Tourettes'.

Is a BJ adultery? What? Did I miss a day of school? Of course it is! Oral sex is adultery like Curling is an Olympic sport. The only thing is, oral sex should be in the Olympics because it's much harder than Curling, and if you're good at it, you DESERVE a medal!

The fine line that you do when you do political comedy is, as long as you have that laugh, you're fine.

This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole.

One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.

I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck ,so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it.

There should be a law that you can't shut down the government - that you don't have that power.