Glenn Beck has Nazi Tourettes'.

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

I never write anything down. I write onstage.

This is the thing I've never understood: If someone is going to hell for being gay or being a Jew or a Muslim or having an abortion, then what are you worried about? You don't need to try and convert these people or try and save them. If you really believe in your religion, these people are already doomed, so stop worrying about them.

Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!'

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.