They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they came up with it, but it's a lie. They come on, "Well, it's 27 degrees today, but with the wind chill, it's minus 3." Well, then it's minus 3, asshole! I don't need to know what the weather was like if the conditions were perfect!

You want to know what it's like to be on a plane for 22 hours? Sit in a chair, squeeze your head as hard as you can, don't stop, then take a paper bag and put it over your mouth and nose and breath your own air over and over and over.

Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!'

It's a shame cars don't run on cognitive dissonance.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I like college football, but I'm a huge college basketball fan. I could sit and watch every game of March Madness and be happy. That could be a vacation.

Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.